A few extracts of
actual exam papers submitted by students, and published a few years
ago under the title Anguished English by Richard Lederer.
|
Julius Ceasar extiguished
himself on the battlefieds of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped
out: "Tee hee, Brutus". |
Anchient Egypt was inhabited
by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. |
Nero was a cruel tyrany
who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. |
Then came the Middle
Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of
Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings,
The victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. |
Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer, but by another man of that name. |
In the Olympic
games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was
democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There
were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought
the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had
more men. |
Socrates was a famous
Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline. |
Eventually, the Romans
conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never
stayed in one place for very long. |
Joan of Arc was burn
to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally, Magna
Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence. |
The Renaissance was an
age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a
bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude
that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great
inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. |
The greatest writer of
the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with
his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of
Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince
Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are
an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear
was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then
his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." |
Bach was the most famous
composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German,
half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from
1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this. |
The body consists of
three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The
brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and
the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a,
e, i, o, and u. |